Inappropriate Singing vs. Whistling

I’m always singing at inappropriate times but I’ve never been able to whistle, I wonder if I could, would I whistle instead? I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and although singing or whistling aren’t weird things to do ipso facto, it comes down to context.

Generally, it’s fine to whistle in public but to sing in public is weird. I know this because when people are singing alone in public I think “that’s weird” and when I accidentally sing in public people look at me like I’m weird. This is grossly unfair because I physically cannot whistle so what am I supposed to do when I have a song in my heart? NB even if you don’t have a note in your head, you can have a song in your heart!

Here’s a list of situations and whether or not it’s okay to sing or whistle – basically whether or not I will assume you to be A Mad Person where you is a metaphor for me and I is a metaphor for the world.

Walking alone in the city: Whistling is fine, singing is weird. I dare you to try it if you disagree.

Walking alone in the country: Whistling almost mandatory, singing still a bit weird but it depends on who you are and how many of your cousins you have met so far.

Group of teenagers walking down the street or on a bus: For some reason, it would be strange and almost menacing if they were all whistling, but they are allowed to sing. By “allowed” I mean it is very annoying and antisocial but nobody will think they are weird.

In a shop: If you work there, it’s ok to sing along with the radio. If you are a customer, it’s okay to whistle but only to your own tune. If you whistle along to the same song the staff member is singing, you are sort of doing a duet and while that seems like a tumblr love story it’s actually creepy.

Bathroom: It’s okay to sing in the shower but nobody in movies is ever whistling on the toilet so that’s probably not a thing.

With a group: If you’re with another person/people and you sing a song that’s in your head, that’s fine but it should be at a conversational or lower level. Same with singing along with the radio in a public place. If it’s instrumental, you can air guitar/banjo/piano and if it’s classical or choral you can conduct. The enthusiasm and energy with which you do this depend on how many people you are with. The more friends around you, the more exaggerated your movements can be.

Exercising: I can’t imagine having breath for either.

Up in the club: Singing along is encouraged, whistling would be bizarre in this situation. UNLESS you are in the bathroom and want to signal there is someone in there before people start having sex or a row in the stall next to you.

So, these are the hard and fast rules for life.

Just kidding, do whatever you want. Really, if you have music in your soul you should just let it out!

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