Women!

To celebrate International Women’s Day, here are three women I admire.

Lilith was Adam’s first wife, created as his equal. Basically, God created them from the same earth – what could be more equal than that? Despite this, Adam insists that he be on top during sex so that he can assert his dominance over her. Lilith refuses as she sees them as equals, which hurts Adam’s fragile male ego and they have a row. Sound familiar? More to piss Adam off than anything else, Lilith utters the INEFFABLE NAME OF THE LORD, meaning she says God’s name which was sort of like saying Voldemort. Uncool. Once she says this, she is punished… with the ability to fly! Seriously. So, she flies off and leaves Adam to his patriarchal bullshit.

Except, oh no! Adam wants her back. Because ever since she left the garden of Eden, she’s been wearing less and going out more… Or whatever. He sends some angels after her and the angels tell her if she doesn’t go back to Adam, 100 of her children will die every day. She refuses, making her a NASTY WOMAN who kills children.

In retaliation, Lilith starts killing newborns, claiming she was created to devour babies. There’s also some nonsense with an amulet. Lilith later goes on to be the bride of Satan and has 100 demon children per day (to replace the others, I guess?) and so is responsible for literally all the evil in the world. And James Joyce called her the patron saint of abortion! What a woman.

Miranda Hart is one of my all-time heroes. I love most women in comedy but Miranda has a special place in my funny bone. Her show (Miranda) always cheers me up and some of my worst days have been saved by curling up and watching her fall over. I’m normally not a fan of slapstick but she does physical humour with such charm it makes me giggle every time.

Miranda also thinks farts are funny and uses this to great effect, something most “grown-ups” avoid.

Miranda Hart’s humour is gentle and somehow NICE, rarely at anyone’s expense but her own. Still, it makes me belly laugh as much as any comic standing in front of a mic repeating swear words and telling sex stories. Miranda’s comedy seeks not to shock, but to tickle. It’s delightful. She is delightful.

Miranda also loves musical theatre and has asthma so, yeah, we’re basically twins.

Niamh Mc Nally is my friend. She’s not very famous or mythical, but she’s the hardest working person I know. It’s something I slag her about all the time but it is also something I respect. Deep down. Several hours after she’s been up. You have to be careful where you bring her, in fact, because even on her days off she has a tendency to jump behind counters and start working, increasing efficiency and improving profit margins.

It can be very embarrassing in places she has never been before.

Niamh is also warm and generous and her skin is flawless. She’s also So Chill about Everything. Except maybe board games. Do not cross her in Ticket to Ride.

Niamh studied science and had planned to go into astrophysics, pretty much as far away as she could get from her farming background. In fact, it’s space, so I guess it’s as far away as anyone can get from anything?

Life doesn’t always go according to plan and she didn’t end up studying… moons? Stars? Startrek? Whatever, she did hospitality management instead, which was the BEST THING TO HAPPEN. To the WORLD. Now, her long-term plan is to open a restaurant which is way more useful to me than discovering a new galaxy or some nonsense. That sounds sarcastic but, honestly, nothing is more important to me than free food.

Niamh is a constant reminder to me that the path to happiness and success doesn’t always look like you expect it to. So many of our generation were told to go to college, get a degree and then we’ll be fighting off job opportunities. L-O-fucking-L. There are so many ways to do things. Niamh is proof that you should follow your passions and don’t be too hard on yourself when your life plan has to change. You made the plan, idiot.

Also, you have to work hard. Like, for real. Don’t half-ass something you really want – be like Niamh, she whole-asses everything!

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