I don’t have a boyfriend. And it’s not because I’m ugly and have a horrible personality. That’s a coincidence.
Just kidding. But I think all single people go through this, no matter how happy you are to have Netflix and Chill mean just that (TV is crazy good right now) or how not-bothered you are to shave your legs. You could be the most self-confident person in the world but there are still moments when you wonder… hang on, am I a total bitch of a night troll? Do I have some sort of reverse body dysmorphia where I see a normal person in the mirror but in reality I look like a potato with eyes? Actually, I guess that’s just regular body dysmorphia. Is my charm all in my head? Am I, in fact, a nightmare to be around?
There are many reasons why a person is single at any given time. For a start, there aren’t that many people out there who are gorgeous, intelligent, charming and wealthy enough to warrant our attention. Add to that the fact that Irish people are unbelievably horrendous at romance and what the kids are calling “dating”. If it wasn’t for alcohol we would be extinct. That’s an offensive Irish stereotype based on observation.
I throw my hands up and admit that for most of my life I put the hopeless in hopeless romantic. I fall for the taken, the gay and the generally disinterested. And I never really fall for the taken or gay.
My pattern is to form hopeless crushes on people I don’t know. Some of my greatest loves have been Guy-from-coffee-shop and Guy-on-the-bus-that-one-time. That’s not original – naturally, when we see attractive people we project attractive attributes on to them. By not getting to know them we protect that image of them as the ideal mate, we can’t be disappointed by their poor taste in musicals or the fact that they’re a Slytherin. We’re saving them from becoming real people. Plus, y’know, it’s SCARY TO TALK TO PEOPLE.
But – and here’s the big reveal, the epiphany you’ve been waiting for – that’s stupid.
I mean, I get it. With few exceptions, the crushes I’ve had throughout my life have consisted of unrequited pining followed by heartbreak when I realise HE doesn’t know I exist. But I’ve solved it. The magic formula for making hotties know you exist. Walk right up to them and yell “HEY YOU! I EXIST!” Maybe that’s not the best pick-up line, but it’s a start – and at least it’s honest.
My New Year’s Resolution was to be more forthcoming as well as being bolder, more daring and just wasting less time. When I think of the time I’ve spent in the past – and I know I’m not alone here – languishing for Some Dude – I shudder. Think about the months wasted, they could have been spent either WITH Some Dude or getting OVER Some Dude and moving on to Some Other Dude.
So, I met a guy. In a bar. He was cute and seemed nice. We weren’t talking for long so I didn’t really get to know him but I thought I would have liked to. That seems simple enough. He left, though, and I was out with friends so that was kind of that.
But I knew where he worked so I figured it would be easy to accidentally-on-purpose see him again. As I said, I’ve been trying to be more pro-active, and talking to boys is a big step. Spurred on by friends living vicariously through me, I went into the shop. Luckily, it was a shop I like anyway, so I didn’t have to come up with a cover story about why I needed fishing equipment or expensive crystal animals.
Full of self-confidence and flirtatious intent… I ended up buying some stuff I didn’t need and leaving, annoyed with myself. This happened twice.
At this stage I was kind of like… take a hint, Caoimhe. But the task was not complete. I knew I would keep wondering if I should go back, if I could have been more obvious or pretty and I really don’t need another expensive crush to get out of hand. I already spend SO much money on coffee.
So I went in again on my lunch break, not particularly made up or even optimistic, but determined. I walked right up to him and asked if he wanted to get coffee. He was flattered but he had a girlfriend. Sorry for the build up and anticlimax of this story, but that’s what happened. And it was cool.
Despite the rejection, which isn’t my favourite, I couldn’t stop smiling when I left. I had done something! I felt brave and in control, not to mention all the time I saved that might have been spent wondering what if?
So I encourage everyone to be bold and direct. Make them know you exist and that you’re interested. Because why waste your time? If the object of your affection reciprocates, then you’ve just been delaying something great. If they’re not interested then they’re stupid and have bad taste and who needs them anyway? Yell that in their face and run away.
– Caoimhe Creed
(DISCLAIMER: There is also a third possibility: that they do like you and it’s great until you get to know them better and it turns out they’re super racist or something. But that probably won’t happen.)