Pockets 

Stranger: I like your dress.

Me: Thanks, it has pockets!

This was one of the realest memes I have ever seen. Few men will have had this interaction, but for women it’s more annoyingly relatable than Jennifer Lawrence.

It’s so exciting to find a dress that combines fashion with function that we feel the need to tell everyone we meet about it. That’s how remarkable it is. Never mind a new job, an engagement or moving to the moon, if my dress has pockets it’s going to be my opening line.

Even when we have pockets – on jeans, for example – they are hilariously small and impractical. There are also the unforgivable “mockets” – fake pockets that trick you into thinking you won’t need your bag. You go to put your phone in your pocket but then look like a fool when the pocket turns out to be just crayoned onto the jeans. Ever tried to put change into a denim lip with nothing below the surface? Me either, I meant to throw it all over the floor.

Women’s clothes put form over function. Bulging pockets ruin the smooth line of our lady curves and so we’re Not Allowed To Have Them. Not even if we promise not to overstuff them, mister.

Men’s clothes are more pocket than not – or so it seems. They somehow manage to carry their phone, keys, wallet, lipstick, notebook, pens, tampons, powder, novel and whatever else about their person while we have to lug it all around in a handbag because our pockets barely fit a paperclip.

The handbag, of course, is one of the reasons that women’s clothes are created pocket-free. Since we have no pockets to carry things, we have to buy handbags, often from the same manufacturers as those pocketless clothes. They’re already saving money on material thanks to skimping on pockets and now they’re getting us to spend more money on bags so we can carry the stuff THAT SHOULD BE GOING IN POCKETS.

Why, then, don’t these penny-pinching Sartorial Gods remove the enormous pockets in men’s clothes? They’d save even more money and then they could market bags to men, too. You’re welcome, fashion industry.

Some day all fashion will be gender neutral – but for now, I’d settle for pocket equality. Give us pockets or take theirs away. In the mean time, don’t complain that I don’t answer my phone, it’s in the bottom of my fucking handbag.

 

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